11 Things MEN NEED TO KNOW About Their Newly Pregnant Wives
(send this to the men in your life in preparation!)
Gentleman (and any ladies reading), when it comes to women, I’m no expert. When it comes to pregnant women, I may as well have been a visitor to a far off colony on another planet – I was lost! However, once you see your wife go through her first pregnancy and you’re there for every moment of the ride, you make some mistakes and you learn a thing or two!
That, and with the help of www.daddyfiles.com, here are 11 things men can expect when you’re expecting: send this to your man so he can get a headstart on what’s to come, and that’ll mean a happier pregnancy for everyone!
1. Feed Her Constantly
It’s no secret that food is critical to pregnant women. Apart from the obvious need for an increase in nutrients to feed the live being growing inside of her, she’ll also have random cravings and develop what is known as being ‘HANGRY’. Hangry is hunger mixed with bouts of extreme anger at lack of food being consumed. So when she says she’s hungry, it’s already too late and you’ve failed! Go into damage control and get some pie whipped up asap to avoid a disaster. Then go into a quiet place and think about where you went wrong.
Seriously though, have snacks on hand at all times. I remember having chips and crackers everywhere, especially the car in case a hunger pain hit on the way out. My wife would get light headed when hungry, and it was sudden, so be prepared.
So avoid bodily harm to yourself men, and increase the supply to meet the demand, and all three of you will be happy!
2. Food: What’s Yours is Hers, What’s Hers is Hers!
I made the fatal mistake of snacking on what turned out to be, emergency chocolate rationing in my wife’s bedside drawer. Don’t make that same mistake fellas. Sharing is caring, but not when it comes to a pregnant lady’s food.
If you really want to impress and get yourself a ‘get out of jail free’ card, then be a forward thinker, and purchase a stash of her favourite goodies… just don’t snack on them!
4. Prepare for Weight Gain… YOUR Weight Gain
If you’re not careful, with all this extra food around, you will likely gain a few unwanted pounds. With the aforementioned snacks and emergency rations around the house, it is inevitable that you will join in with the heavy dinners and snacking during tv shows.
“I gained 25 lbs during MJ’s pregnancy 5 years ago, just a shade under the total amount she gained — WITH THE BABY! So watch your step.” // www.daddyfiles.com
4. Don’t Point Out How Big She’s Getting
To us men, generally speaking, an increase in size of the belly of our wives is of course, natural and expected when pregnant. However, one must express extreme caution if you get the feeling to make your observations known publically.
“Look at how big your tummy is getting!” can possibly be met with hostility and tears. What may be an innocent observation of nature taking its course, could be translated to “You look fat”. Which leads into point number five…
5. “Baby Brain”
We don’t quite know the science behind this phenomenon, but you will soon discover that it exists.
“It starts with everyday occurrences like looking for her glasses while they’re on her head, which is kinda cute. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. And in a fit of irony, I just asked MJ (my wife) to give me more examples of Pregnancy Brain, but she couldn’t — because she can’t remember.” // www.daddyfiles.com
6. Humor takes a Holiday
She may have humored your bad jokes before, but with little bub growing in her belly, the room for humor can be well and truly gone. This is particularly true if you’re a smart alec for a husband.
“The results are often me firing off (what I consider to be) beautiful comedic quips and zingers, which don’t just fall on deaf ears, they fall on potentially homicidal ears. You’ve been warned.” // www.daddyfiles.com
7. Say Goodbye to Sex
With all that’s going on in the first trimester in particular, your ‘needs’ are going to be pretty darn low on her list of priorities. Her main focus will be to not throw up every morning, so your frustrations are just going to have to be dealt with by yourself.
There is a glimmer of hope for all you disappointed men out there reading this.
“You have a 1-2 week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. Enjoy that, because it’s not happening again until very late in the pregnancy. Right at the end she’ll be so desperate to get the baby out of her that she’ll use you in the hopes that sex will send her into labor. It’s slightly awkward, but after the drought it’s a welcome relief” // www.daddyfiles.com
8. Yes they are bigger, and no you cannot touch them
Mother Nature decided to play a cruel trick on men.
“When a woman is carrying a child, it’s a beautiful thing. That “pregnant glow” you always hear about is real, mainly because she’s carrying around a few extra pints of blood which does wonders for her hair, her fingernails and — her breasts.” // www.daddyfiles.com
But that is not a free pass to get all touchy feely. They’re extra sensitive, she’s extra sensitive, and your face will feel extra sensitive should you not heed this warning.
9. Your Manhood Won’t Hurt the Baby
Should you do get the opportunity for some intimate time with your wife, don’t blurt out the usual lines of thinking your extreme manliness in the nether regions can harm baby. You’re really just not that impressive.
“Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. And there’s nothing more demoralizing than a conversation that involves your penis and hysterical laughter. So I’m told…” // www.daddyfiles.com
10. Prepare for Pillows
Over the course of the next nine months, you will slowly be pushed closer and closer to the edge of your once sacred bed. Your 40% share will soon be 20%, as an army of pillows infiltrates the bedroom, and you will just have to make do.
“No! I need that one it’s for between my thighs!”
“NO! That one is my reserve pillow in case this one gets too hot! Are you stupid or something!?”
This is not an uncommon phenomena. Just ride it out. On the couch.
11. You Can’t Complain
This list? It’s to be kept to yourself. The even thought of mentioning any of these things to your wife will result in trauma… to you.
Even if these points are highly accurate in your situation, it all pales in insignificance, as she will always have to most ultimate comeback and excuse, for anything you can throw her way.
She’s carrying your child!
This is like having pocket aces always up your sleeve. Want to complain about some dirty dishes left out perhaps? Or some chocolate wrappers on your side of the bed? I’m sorry I can’t hear you over the HUMAN GROWING INSIDE OF ME!
Good luck, and Godspeed.
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